


Of Leprechauns in Japan and Other Ways to Find Love

by AwfulLoneliness



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/F, Founders Week 2020, Hikaku is the bisexual friend we all should have, I wrote a SPN spoof in the year of Our Lord 2020 and I have no regrets, Mito is a Queen, Monster Hunter AU, Touka is a lesbian disaster
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27203806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwfulLoneliness/pseuds/AwfulLoneliness
Summary: Hunting monsters is not as much fun as TV made it to be.
Relationships: Senju Touka/Uzumaki Mito
Kudos: 1
Collections: Founders Week 2020





	Of Leprechauns in Japan and Other Ways to Find Love

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains one (1) SPN reference, (1) Evangelion reference and (1) The Simpsons reference.

“ _...91.3 FM Rock Japan, Where Rock lives, and we just listened to Welcome to the Jungle by Guns 'n' Roses. What a song, right, Kumiko-chan? _

“ _ Indeed, Takeshi-kun! And wait to hear what we have prepared for the rest of the show! Remember, you're listening to American Dream, four hours of the best American rock! _

“ _ Now we'll listen to a 1976 hit by the band Kansas. Yes, friends, it's Carry on Wayward Son!” _

Touka grabbed the phone playing the radio and started fumbling with it.

“Keep both hands on the wheel!” Hikaku shouted. “Dammit, Touka!”

“ _ Carry on my wayward son, for there'll be peace--” _

“Why did you turn it off? I like that song! Put both hands on the wheel,” Hikaku said.

“I don't,” Touka answered, throwing the phone on Hikaku's lap. “I hate it and I hate Supernatural.”

“Oh, c'mon. What did the Winchesters do to you?”

“They lied to me,” Touka complained. “When I started with this eleven years ago they made me believe there'd be a fun adventure every week and the love of my life would fall from the sky. But you know what?”

“There was nothing of the sort?”

“Exactly! I almost die on a monthly basis and the last time I had a date steam trains hadn't been invented yet.”

Hikaku snorted. “You're being dramatic. There's plenty of pretty girls.”

“Easy for you to say because they're all interested in you.”

“Sorry for being born with a perfect jawline,” he answered, looking at the phone. “I'll see if I can find where to stay for the night, we're almost there and I haven’t booked anything. And you should sell your soul to the devil.”

“What?”

“If you want to meet the love of your life you should sell your soul to the devil so she rescues you from hell because you're an integral part of the christian apocalypse.”

“Do I get to pilot a robot?”

“That’s an Impact, not an apocalypse.”

“Oh, what a twist. There's only one bed,” Touka said, setting her backpack on the only chair included in their hotel room. “I'm getting tired of being mistaken for a couple.”

“Ummm... what? I always ask for a double because it's cheaper,” Hikaku told her.

“That actually explains a lot. So, why did your cousin want us to come here to Kami-forsaken?”

“ _ Kami-horomui,  _ Touka. Apparently everything is going wrong here lately: power cuts, fires, traffic lights failing, pets missing, all in the span of four months. He thinks it's a city-wide haunting.”

“City-wide? Are we talking about an onryou that didn't get the renovation plans for their house approved before their death?”

“It could be a nogitsune or a million other things. Why are you being an idiot on purpose? Is it the lack of sex?”

Touka flipped him off with a saccharine sweet smile.

They walked the streets that night with an EMF meter, a pair of sturdy iron divination rods and an ofuda amulet tied with a string to a bamboo stick to try and find whatever was causing the trouble.

Hikaku stopped at a corner and eyed the ofuda he held aloof.

“I think it's moving in a particular direction,” he said a bit dubiously. “Do you have the tripod?”

“Nope, I only grabbed the rods.”

He hummed in acknowledgment and put the bamboo stick on the roof of a car in a way the ofuda could swing freely, and placed the EMF meter so the stick wouldn't roll off. Then they watched the amulet with bated breath.

After a while Hikaku huffed in annoyance and made to move the stick, when the ofuda swung slightly.

“Did you touch it?” Touka asked.

“Didn't get to. Wind?”

“There was none.”

“We need a spell to amplify a trace. Do you have one?”

“Yes, but it needs blood. Like a chicken's worth of blood.”

“Do we have a chicken?”

“I don't think it's legal to carry a chicken around in the car,” Touka sighed. “We have to wait.”

Pick the bamboo stick up, move it to where the ofuda might have been pointing to and wait for it to point in another direction. Pick the bamboo stick up, move it to where the ofuda might have been pointing to and wait for it to point in another direction.

It was all nice and good, but after doing it for two hours and only moving six blocks, Hikaku and Touka had had enough.

“C'mon, you little shit!” Touka shouted, angry out of her mind, striding to the middle of the street. “I know you're there, you coward! Stop setting things on fire and face us!”

Hikaku walked up to her, recording their surroundings with his phone. “Pspspspsps, onryou, onryou, onryou! I want to hear your sob story! What was it, she didn't love you back? The council didn't approve your swimming pool? Bullies stole your lunch money?”

The ofuda started flapping around like it was caught in a hurricane, but there was no wind to speak of.

“So that was it, wasn't it? They punched your ugly face in and stole your money! Neeeeeerd!” Touka shouted.

There was the sound of breaking glass around the corner, and they turned to it, clutching the divination rods tightly. They were watching intently for any sign of movement, but they still missed the red blur that launched itself at Touka. She grunted and fell to the ground, flailing, rolling and twisting on the ground to dislodge it. The creature clawed and punched and bit her, shouting nonsense all along.

“Hold still!” Hikaku shouted.

“I can't! It's trying to claw my eyes out!”

“Cover your face!” Hikaku swung the rod and missed, then swung again and hit the creature. It flew away and crashed into a shop, breaking the window and triggering the alarm. Hikaku ran after it and peeked into the shop.

“What the fuck was that?” Touka asked.

“I don't know. Let's go before the police come.”

Touka and Hikaku were sitting against the headboard of the hotel bed, focus on their laptops.

“It's definitely a language,” Hikaku said, pulling his headphones down. “But I have no idea  _ what  _ language.”

“Helpful,” Touka deadpanned. “I can't find any creature like the one that attacked me mentioned anywhere. I think it may be Tobirama time.”

Hikaku shrugged, so Touka took out her phone and dialed her cousin.

“ _ Hello,”  _ Tobirama answered after the third ring.

“Hi, Tobi! How's my favorite cousin doing?”

“ _ Mmmm. When you're this cheerful you usually need me to find the answer to something really complicated.” _

“Hey! I  _ do  _ call you just to know how you've been.”

“ _ True, but you start those calling me your favorite jerk.” _

“No, I don't do that!”

“Yes, you do,” Hikaku chipped in.

“ _ Thank you, Hikaku. How are you?” _

“Hi, Tobirama. I'm doing fine, considering. So, we're having trouble identifying a creature; can I send you a video? Maybe you'll have better luck.”

“ _ Of course. I'll see what I can do.” _

Touka's phone rang when she and Hikaku were eating at an okonomiyaki stand.

“Hey, favorite cousin,” she greeted.

“ _ Oh, always the favorite cousin when I have info,” _ Tobirama said.

“You'll always be ‘favorite cousin’ from now on, so you can't know if I'm making a social call or need something. It'll keep you on your toes.”

“ _ You find ways to make my life more complicated every day, and yet I love you.” _

“Love you too, Tobi. What do you have?”

“ _ A clue. The creature is speaking some variation of Gaelic.” _

Touka and Hikaku exchanged a puzzled look.

“Gaelic?” Hikaku repeated.

“ _ Yes, Gaelic. It's a native language spoken on--” _

“Yes, yes, we know what Gaelic is, but... a Celtic creature? In this part of Japan? How?”

“ _ Well,”  _ Tobirama's voice was dripping with so much sarcasm it probably left a poodle on the floor.  _ “It either came from the belief of a Celtic immigrant living there, the usual way, or it came over in the wheel wells of an Air Lingus jet.” _

“Soooo grumpy,” Touka teased. “Did you miss your naptime?”

“ _ Why yes. Thank you for appreciating the all-nighter I pulled for this.” _

“You mean, you got bored in the middle of pulling an all-nighter for something else and distracted yourself with this.”

“ _ Bye,” _ Tobirama grunted and hung up. Touka gave the phone a shit-eating grin.

“Some day, he'll get tired and stop helping us,” Hikaku said.

“Nah, he lives to investigate. So, how do we go about finding an Scottish guy?”

“Do you believe in providence?” Hikaku said, looking across the street.

Touka followed his gaze and saw the shop sign he was staring at:  _ Murphy's Travels. _

“That's... way too convenient. I'm having a bad feeling already,” she said.


End file.
